Just be yourself

This doesn’t mean just be who you think you are, but also includes being you who want to be. Sometimes, this means that you will have to take on a model, imitating until you have integrated the information as a foundational belief, and are now able to innovate your character as a unique expression of what has been instilled.

What are your values?

I was sitting outside on the back deck under the roof of the three-season porch. There was a slight drizzle, though the sky was not that outcast. I could hear the sound of dripping water hitting some unseen location of the house, maybe the rooftop, or possibly a drain. As I looked at the porch floor through the mess screen covering the windows and door, I thought I could just make out vague appearances of water droplets ricocheting off the wood slates. Looking past the the patio table, towards the surface of the lake, near the water’s edge, I could see the rippling effect of invisible drops plipping and plopping, giving the texture and feel of a light springtime rain in a dream of memories past.

I was filled with a deep feeling of melancholy and sadness, uncertain as to where the source of this issue might have arisen. Many thoughts filled my head as I tried to make sense of these intense and expected feelings. I remembered a conversation from the day before, thinking about my friend’s words, “sometimes one should just listen”. I remembered when he said those words, the way that I felt. There was a tinge of aversion to those words from within myself. It was something he mentioned several times within our conversations, always phrasing it as something he learned from his mother. 

Though, now that I think about it as I am writing this, perhaps the feeling of aversion I felt was a sense of jealousy? A feeling for not being recognized for the input I might have provided to allow for this learning to occur? Or perhaps it was anger and annoyance at being reminded to “just listen”? Especially after it was something I mentioned to him prior, and something I am developing. It just goes to show that there are still these types of emotions, feelings, and mental states within me that still require understanding and integration. Why did I feel this way when he said those words yesterday? Perhaps the most apparent reason was that it felt as if he was subtly telling me that I’m speaking too much, which in turn, would mean that the words I am speaking are not important. And this may have caused me to want to speak more, since I’m often rebellious when being told what to do. Thus, the multiple times my friend had to repeat the same message to me.

I responded in several ways when the phrase was mentioned. “Yeah, I was doing that, and now it’s time to do something different.”, “Yeah, it’s good to listen.”, and of course, “..(silence)….” were some of my thoughts to those words. And yet those words were cycling through my head quite a bit, analyzing and digesting the experience. I remember thinking, there are various forms of listening, and listening doesn’t just have to be with the ears. A person can listen to the nonverbal, the communicative subtext that underlies are everyday actions and motivations. It is possible to be able to listen with your being while talking and supposedly “not listening”. What if the talking is just the surface level interaction that creates a scaffold where other forms of communication and exchange might take place. Such as the exchange of ideas, emotions, feelings, thoughts, and energy might transfer between individuals. Like the constant fidgeting of my friend’s leg while we talked over lunch, the mirroring of body language between friends seated at a movie theater, or the subject matter of conversations, perhaps that is what I was listening to, that perhaps my friend might have been ignoring, or unaware of.

So, as I sat there on the back porch, these various thoughts swimming through my head, I wondered, “Is the reason I feel this way a result of the interaction I had yesterday with my friend?’ Was there something my friend was going through, difficulties that he wasn’t telling me about? I can be quite an empathic person at times, and can be highly sensitive to others auras and energy fields. Though, I also have the ability for others to share and experience in my energy in exchange. Though, I’ve noticed that I can be affected by others, causing me to feel things which take some time to understand and integrate. But, of course, I can’t say that is the only reason, nor the most probable. There might be other things within myself that require introspection and understanding. Perhaps the interaction itself brought up to the surface facets of me that require inflection. Is the melancholy I felt while sitting out there a result of unhappiness about aspects of my own life? Is this confusion I am feeling in relation to these feelings and sensations a sign of my own confusion about who I am and what I want to achieve? Who am I? What am I doing with my life?

Then, I remembered the conversation with my friend, and what I had attempted to relay to him. A person should know their values, and their foundational core in order to know who they are as a person, and to act in honesty. It is how you can tell which voice within you is the true voice, by knowing yourself and being open and accepting of what that means. In order to do that, you must decide what are the boundaries of preference that bring you the most joy and happiness. For those are the things that will maximize the output of positive energy into the world through one’s experience. Of course, these things can and will change over time as they become more refined through experience, yet it is possible to develop a sketch of them now. The key is to do your best in separating the innate, immaterial qualities from the object in relation to self. Because it is not the object, but what state the object is fulfilling that is important to analyze in order to establish the most universal aspects of one’s self worth experiencing, developing, obtaining, believing, hoping towards, supporting, etc.

So, what are my values and/or what are those things I would like to experience, develop, support…etc:

(to be continued)

memory reintegration

so i had a thought again, that i’ve had on and off throughout my life. yet, this is the first time i will be writing about the thoughts instead of just thinking about them in my mind, only to be forgotten as an afterthought. the memory itself was triggered in more recent times during my friend’s wedding approximately 1-2 years ago. it was during the reception while i was going around the room. as one of the groomsmen, i took it upon myself to make the evening as festive as possible, going around inviting others to join and dance and celebrate. at this time, i came across a table with some of the older parents and members of the community (e.g. family friends and such). one of them was the father of another one of the groomsmen, and a good friend of mine. as we recognized one another, i said hello to him and shook his hand. we began to get into a normal conversation and the topic steered towards how much i have changed since a child. at this point, he asks me, “shall we check to see how big it is?” for a second, hearing these words, my mind reeled in confusion. it began to quickly try and pinpoint the continuity between what was said and the topic at hand. my mind began scanning and processing the archive of memories stored away, and then i remembered.

now, when i was a child, this man appeared quite frightening to me. his demeanor was that of seriousness, strictness, with a streak of meanness. like sitting within the eye of a perfect storm where the slightest deviation may end in getting hurt or harmed. he was definitely the disciplinarian-type who, like many households at the time, used physical means to instill punishment. because of this, as a child i did what i could to minimize the amount of time around him. interestingly, these feelings may still be affecting my actions, thoughts, and feelings around him (e.g. degree of deference, comfort, etc). which is one of the reasons i am writing this, as a means of accepting the thoughts and working through them so i may progress through my healing process.

so those words he said that day during my friend’s wedding reception, triggered a folder of memories all blurring into one. the memory finds me in a room with white walls. i am maybe within the range of 5-8 years old. i remember being in that room with my friend’s dad when those words were similarly said. it was something that happened often when i went to visit my friend, and something i dreaded whenever i was there. though, this situations didn’t happen all the time, they did happen on a regular occurrence. it was measuring time, and didn’t like it. it was embarassing, it was uncomfortable, it was as if i knew something was wrong deep down in the pit of my stomach. that feeling, like a vacant hole, a blackhole abyss, pulling down on my heart, perhaps my very soul and being. sometimes i would want to cry, hoping my tears would help me to escape from this situation. but his face….that stern, adult face. he was the adult, i was supposed to listen to him. otherwise he might get mad and think i was misbehaving since i wasn’t listening to him, and i would end up getting spanked.

i remember the procedure when i went into that room during that time. it was time for him to take his measurement, to take a look. so i would unzip my pants and pull them down with my underwear. there i would be, feeling embarassed, ashamed, and uncomfortable that he was seeing me in my nakedness, looking at me with that face, judging me. i couldn’t look him in the eyes, it was so embarassing. i looked away, just hoping it would be over soon. and there he would stand, over me, looking to see how big it was.

now that i think back on it, why did he have such a fascination with my penis? and yet, going through the experience, it just felt like that was what people went through. i had no other perspective other than what i had experienced, and so what i experienced became the norm. though, over time, as i began to mature and experience more the diversity that life has to provide, and understand more the social perceptions, cultural values, and moral attitudes prevailing during my lifetime, i realized that my experience perhaps was not normal. that i may have been in situations that to many might be fucked up or reprehensible given a particular moral compass, though it just became one of those normal things that “everybody goes through”.

thinking back, i’m not certain if i was alone when i had these experiences, or if there were others with me. it feels like there may have been 1-2 other children at times. it also feels like this happened in my friend’s upstairs bathroom of their 2 floor duplex. i also recall him making comments about the size and such, then when he was done, opening the door and letting me out, whereby i would run off, scurrying away.

so with all these feelings and memories flooding in, the phrase the key to unlocking that compartment, he was looking at me, smiling. was this a joke? why did he have this “haha, aren’t i clever with this comment, it’s funny right” look on his face? had what i’d gone through become a joke to him? was he attempting to make light of the situation to lessen his own guilt? is he trying to see if i’m embarrassed about what happened?

i wasn’t certain as to how to best respond, so i took a breath and decided to forgive. i exhaled and chuckled. then i looked at him in the eyes with a smile on my face and said, “well yeah, we can go into the bathroom if you want to”.  i had decided that if he still wanted to see my penis after all this time, i would show it to him. he seemed a bit embarassed at this response, and replied back with, “no that’s okay”, somewhat averting his eyes from me. i smiled, said it was good to see him, and walked away, the unlocked memories still playing in the background.

thoughts on tests

people test others when they don’t understand them. so, if a someone believes they understand you, they will no longer test you. tho, humans, in general, are fickle creatures prone to fits of imagination, possibilities, and self-doubt. a powerful combinatorial force that can have devastating effects on a person’s perceptions, thoughts, and actions. this causes people to often have mistrust of others and their own perceptions/instincts/thoughts, either on a conscious or deeper, subconscious level, leading to a habitual pattern of testing even if the person feels the other person’s essence has been grasped. in this sense, in any interaction, it might be considered commonplace for a person to expect to be tested within a conversational paradigm, whether this occurs on a verbal, non-verbal, or other level; and that this might occur simultaneously and mutually between all participating, conversation members. additionally, if this possible scenario holds true, then what might happen if an individual does not elect to participate in the testing of other individuals while interacting with them? perhaps this would emote a sense/feeling of understanding and elicit a different type of response. of course, this does not stop the other people from testing if they so choose, and they may decide to in order to test the truth of the other’s understanding. the most efficient and effective method to possibly overcome, circumvent, and/or minimize this tendency to be tested by other individuals is to be congruent in one’s actions in every situation, and with all people. this would require an individual to be unified and centered within their being. a whole person that is not fractionalized into characters, aspects, or types based on situation/circumstance. instead, the person should display their characteristics as an expression of totality, neither hiding nor flaunting their attributes, beliefs, and thoughts. instead, displaying them with joy and confidence whenever the moment presents itself. this, in turn, changes an individual’s perception of an interaction from a test into a method of connection. this connection is likely why people test others, because they desire to be accepted truthfully and fully for all they are, perceived imperfections and perfections alike. this self-image is quite fragile for many, as mistrust resulting from an aspect of fear appears to be more commonplace in people. experiences and interactions that seem to confirm these various beliefs and doubts steeped in fear, can further reduce an individual’s capacity to connect over time. this may be further motivation to use tests as a protective mechanism for an individual’s psyche. so, by reinterpreting the nature of an interaction as a means to connect instead of a method to discount/disregard a possible connection, the cycle of interactive testing can be overcome. the polarity between one viewpoint versus another will create a dynamic of either stabilizing between the polarities or shifting towards the one of greater force. mistrust in this scenario, will often lead to its own destruction, to be enveloped by trust and understanding. this is because as trust and understanding chooses to be inclusive and move forward in unity, mistrust is often exclusive and divisive, even towards itself. thus, mistrust will mistrust itself and the construct will question whether its stance is correct, thus further swaying an individual towards the other perspective. it then becomes possible to have an open, willing, and expressive interaction between individuals, utilizing a totally different dynamic of communication then is often experienced from day to day. tests in interactions are no longer barriers to connection, they become ways to play and interact with the flow of connection, waxing and waning ripples energizing the connection.